There's this feeling, deep down inside, that resurfaces once in a while. A feeling of loneliness. A feeling that cannot be satisfied no matter how many friends I have, how active I am or even how busy I am. The only person that relieve me of my pain is someone I have not met yet, the love of my life.
I have never been in a relationship, never. I kept telling myself that it is because of religious purposes, it is because that I see myself as a pious man. However deep down inside, you and I know that it's a load of crap. I only hid my insecuritiness behind my piousness.
Like the first time I met L . I have this concept that coupling is haram. The only way is to get married to the girl you like straight away. I was pious back then.I don't even talk to girls, in fact I rarely speak. Speak only when necessary, that's what I believed. But I like L so much. I can't control and hence I've broken one of my principle: I talked to her. Then, I realized talking is not enough, hence I started to talk on the phone. After that, I realized ,talking on the phone wasn't enough, I must date her. But then, the iman juice kicks in, and I realized the error of my ways,hence I confessed my love to her in hopes that I get rejected, in hopes that I can get this over with and return to my ideal self. Yeah, that's what I would like to believe...however, there is a small part of me that wish that she would accept my love. Life wouldn't give you something that you are not ready for . Hence, I was rejected. And I miscalculated. My instinct grew and grew, I began to feel lonely. Nevertheless, I ignored this feeling...until I met A.
If people would ask me, if I had fallen in love before, I would answer yes, and it's with A. But I was too much of an ass too realized it back then. A was the 1st girl I went out with,and I was 17.I had this vow not to go out with girls but the loneliness is killing me, hence I broke it. It's not a date or anything, just a casual lunch. I still remember that first time until this very day. It was SPM result collection day, and I was hungry after getting my results, hence I invited A out as I saw her at the school entrance.A was just a friend back then. I was lonely, and I needed some company. We went to Canai & Such, and I was freaking hungry. The thought of Nasi Lemak was crossing my head. However, A just ordered a plain roti canai. I was pretty nervous back then, hence I ordered the same as her, foregoing the fact that I was famished. A was great. Pious,calm,stoic and a great listener. In fact, I love her very much, but it didn't end quite well, due to my fault. I brought upon myself my own downfall. That my friend...is the story of stories, which I would tell another time.
Next, is M. I was lonely, and I needed some company. I want to get myself a wife, to be married, happily ever after and all that stuff...but I wasn't ready , cause life denies my request. I gave everything to capture M's heart, alas, to no avail. I was mortified, sad,petrified...all sorts of felling was rushing through my vein. I've broken my principle of not dating girls in order to get her. As I grew older, I've broken more and more of my principles. How low will I go?When will this end? Can I return back to the person that I used to be? I have no freaking idea.
Sometimes, I feel like, I will become the best husband ever. I want to.At other times, I feel like...I'll never get to feel that way. All I want is true love, yet I was denied all the time. What ticks me off is that even a guy who is playing around can get a girl, but why can't I? I have better intentions than those bastards and yet, girls digg them.Must I be that shallow to find true love?
Maybe I was destined to suffer, to roam this earth all alone picking up pieces of my heart which has been shattered to a million pieces. My heart is in pain...every single day. I am done being single, but there's nothing I can do about it. I tried, but now, I am sick of trying. It's not that I've given up...not at all. I've lost a huge chunk of my heart , and I am sinking deeper every minute. If a heart only brings me pain, then better just to get rid of it. I can't bear this loneliness any longer. If it is my destiny...not to have a heart,so be it. I'll embrace it. Demolish the heart, demolish loneliness . To the next girl that I will like: Will you be the one to finally finish me?
Whatever it is, one way or the other, the story must come to an end. Last time, I opted for the happy ending. But now, I don't give a shit, so long as it ends. A hero no more.
